Some Deep Shit

*Warning: Some of the things I wrote about in this post may be triggering*

I read the other day that, “We are spiritual beings on a physical journey, rather than physical beings on a spiritual journey.” This statement has been in the front on my mind ever since reading it. I think about how much I flow through life physically (moving forward;) but how I rarely take time out to care for myself spiritually (I ain’t gonna lie, I’m hard on myself.)

Honestly, yesterday I was considering how free my soul and spirit would be if I just offed myself. I immediately started to talk myself out of it, thinking about the burden I would leave on my daughter and loved ones. I have struggled with thoughts of suicide since I was 16 years old. Twenty one years later and I don’t understand why I have those thoughts, but I do. These thoughts aren’t constant, they come and go. Also, considering what is going on in my life and the world at the time. When I am feeling like this I ask myself why would I want to leave this earth and end my physical journey?

I have seen and experienced so much pain here, both physical and spiritual. I want to be happy and celebrate life and love but as much as I want that for myself, it may not be meant to happen for me. I feel for everyone that has been hurt, silenced, abused, exploited, those suffering from mental health issues, etc. I look around me everyday and I see pain. I AM IN THE TRENCHES! My whole life, I’ve been around “street activity.” Sometimes I think to myself, “What the fuck were my parents thinking?!?” But I also have to consider their upbringing and if they knew better. Although they did their best to shelter me, having me around certain things definitely shaped who I am and they way I see the world. Also, I started to really understand what I wanted my life to be about [ironically] when I started losing people I loved. When you watch people you love and care about disintegrate in front of you, it changes you. When you watch them struggle to hold on for more time or those who just lay there and wait for the peace to cover them, it made me realize that life isn’t so much about the physical work you do but more the love and time you share with people and be kind to yourself and others. EVERYBODY IS GOING THROUGH SHIT! EVERYDAY.

In recent years, I’ve learned different ways to feed my spiritual being. I try to see the good in humanity, feed my soul with love and light, laugh dumb shit off *rolls eyes* and try to enjoy the time I have here. My time is my inventory and I can’t re-up on it. I’mma use it or lose it. I just really want to be genuinely happy someday. I’m on my pursuit of happiness, wish me luck!

I have no idea why I am putting this on the internet (another place that will eat you alive, if you let it.) But maybe someone can get something out of this *shrug*


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