Some Deep Shit

*Warning: Some of the things I wrote about in this post may be triggering*

I read the other day that, “We are spiritual beings on a physical journey, rather than physical beings on a spiritual journey.” This statement has been in the front on my mind ever since reading it. I think about how much I flow through life physically (moving forward;) but how I rarely take time out to care for myself spiritually (I ain’t gonna lie, I’m hard on myself.)

Honestly, yesterday I was considering how free my soul and spirit would be if I just offed myself. I immediately started to talk myself out of it, thinking about the burden I would leave on my daughter and loved ones. I have struggled with thoughts of suicide since I was 16 years old. Twenty one years later and I don’t understand why I have those thoughts, but I do. These thoughts aren’t constant, they come and go. Also, considering what is going on in my life and the world at the time. When I am feeling like this I ask myself why would I want to leave this earth and end my physical journey?

I have seen and experienced so much pain here, both physical and spiritual. I want to be happy and celebrate life and love but as much as I want that for myself, it may not be meant to happen for me. I feel for everyone that has been hurt, silenced, abused, exploited, those suffering from mental health issues, etc. I look around me everyday and I see pain. I AM IN THE TRENCHES! My whole life, I’ve been around “street activity.” Sometimes I think to myself, “What the fuck were my parents thinking?!?” But I also have to consider their upbringing and if they knew better. Although they did their best to shelter me, having me around certain things definitely shaped who I am and they way I see the world. Also, I started to really understand what I wanted my life to be about [ironically] when I started losing people I loved. When you watch people you love and care about disintegrate in front of you, it changes you. When you watch them struggle to hold on for more time or those who just lay there and wait for the peace to cover them, it made me realize that life isn’t so much about the physical work you do but more the love and time you share with people and be kind to yourself and others. EVERYBODY IS GOING THROUGH SHIT! EVERYDAY.

In recent years, I’ve learned different ways to feed my spiritual being. I try to see the good in humanity, feed my soul with love and light, laugh dumb shit off *rolls eyes* and try to enjoy the time I have here. My time is my inventory and I can’t re-up on it. I’mma use it or lose it. I just really want to be genuinely happy someday. I’m on my pursuit of happiness, wish me luck!

I have no idea why I am putting this on the internet (another place that will eat you alive, if you let it.) But maybe someone can get something out of this *shrug*

Let’s make this clear

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you decide to put your hands on someone, you CANNOT be mad at them for retaliation.

I’m just saying.

This wall made me feel good

This wall is Dope

What kind of incentives are these?!? 👀

Call it what you will

You call is reckless and impulsive, I call is fun and spontaneous 🤷🏻‍♀️

My Nana always says, “Life is strange.”

My dad and grandpa both passed away while I was pregnant with my daughter. Neither knew I was expecting.

I miss them both dearly. Intelligent, caring, honorable, humble, amazing men. May they both Rest In Peace 🙏🏽😔

I appreciate those who handle me gently 😌

That is all.

I love a Boss

🥰

Today my therapist told me…

Nobody owes me anything.

She a real one 🙏🏽

Life lessons.

Some people are full of love & light and some people are full of shit

Do you understand?

Double standards between police & civilians.

A must see 👀

As someone who was born and raised in the Bronx in the 80’s, this is what I grew up in. Sometimes I think it’s why I’m so rough, anxious, untrusting and doubtful of the government in this country. I used to look at other places around the world and I used to think, how could these people be in such positions of power?!? As I got older I began to see our country’s political and judicial systems as they were, an excuse to further their agendas while minorities went under.

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever change. If we will ever feel justice served, empathy and compassion from those who enforced segregation and judgement. They don’t care about us, they never have. I don’t want to lose hope but I’ve been seeing this happen for so long and it happens for so long before I was born. I have little doubt it will end before I die. This world is messed up and I hope things change because they should. My grandmother experienced racism, my mom experienced racism and now I’ve experienced racism. They things I’ve witnessed are despicable, where is the accountability for these people inflicting pain and trauma?! Will they ever take responsibility for their actions or will we continue to live together until the next time they feel like abusing and exploiting us as a people?!? I’m so tired. So many people don’t know the truth. The information is out there.

I’m convinced. 🙋🏻‍♀️

The internet is a just a place people can be their judgmental, arrogant, rude, inappropriate selves; without taking accountability for those actions.

🗣 Exterminate all the Brutes

Go watch this right now!!! THIS is history, the story they don’t teach us or don’t want us to know. I never understood where racism came from and who decided the hierarchy of human beings. This documentary explains in great detail, the history of this world and the birth of white supremacy. And how these white supremacists were encouraged by their governments and churches to divide and conquer.

🗣 There is NO SUPERIOR RACE.

HBO, you real for this one.

A message

If you have hate in your heart at any capacity for another human being, I will say this to you, We all bleed the same red blood 🩸