I have this defense mechanism that I’ve used for as long as I can remember. I will have the desire to become close to someone, develop a relationship of some sort. Then my trust issues sink in and I start to doubt their sincerity. I know all is genuine on my end but the doubt I feel from their end is what makes me call it quits.
Sometimes I think I don’t need anymore people in my life. And sometimes I feel like I’m cheating myself out of an experience of meeting new people and experiencing new things. But I look at it as; I’d rather protect myself from the start, than feel like a sucker down the line.
Expectations lead to disappointment.
I trust no one. I don’t put anything past anybody. I don’t because I used to be a low down dirty dog. There was a point in my life when I was not to be trusted, with your man, your business or your money. I lied, cheated and stole from people. But I learned quickly that karma is real and everything I was dishing out, I was not able to take. I would gossip about people with information they entrusted me with but be upset if someone spoke about my personal business. I used to cheat on my significant other before they had the opportunity to cheat on me; that way, if I caught them cheating, I’d have the upper hand and we could just call it even. But I would be hurt that they stepped out of our relationship. I won’t talk about what I stole or who I stole it from because I’m not sure of the statue of limitations of my crimes. I used to think it was ok to do things like this and was able to sleep at night. I didn’t feel any guilt for what I was doing. I was selfish. But karma caught up to me over the years and I became remorseful for all I had done. I became tired of hurting people. I learned to do right, be happy with what I have and be grateful for those who have my best interest at heart.
These are all things I did in my teens and as a young adult. I learned my lesson early in life. Thank God.
At the same time, throughout my life I’ve been surrounded by liars and frenemies. “Friends” who were there because they wanted something from me or wanted to get close enough to hurt me, cheating boyfriends, etc. One day I came to the conclusion that I’m a horrible judge of character, I’m gullible and I trust people too easily. I would give a person trust up front and then allow them to betray that trust. So I made a decision to change the way I approached new relationships. I would approach new relationships with caution and assess the situation as time went on. If I could trust that person, they would get to know the real me, if I decided I couldn’t trust that person, they would get the superficial me. At one point, I put a cap on those I let into my life. Sometimes I felt like I cheated myself out of opportunities to get to know new people and then I would remind myself of all the backstabbers and two faced people I’ve had in my life and think, it’s better to have a handful of real friends than a stadium full of fake friends. And all those who set out to hurt me in any way, it was not worth retaliating because karma would get them for me.