BX Stand Up

As you may know from my previous post, “You May Want A Little Background Info…” I was born and raised in the Bronx, New York. Unless you’ve grown up here, it’s hard to describe the experience. Concrete jungle is fitting. Never the less, I grew up thinking that nobody made it out of the Bronx to be something great. I have always known I was different. I’ve always felt destined for greatness but I always had some doubt lingering.

Lately, I’ve been inspired by Cardi B, Desus & Mero and A$AP Twelvyy. They are all individuals from the Bronx who are living amazing lives. They all made it out of the hood and gave me a new found hope. I can be great too. I saw an interview with Cardi B and she stated, “I don’t know why God is so good to me. I’m not the nicest person.” I feel exactly the same way. I have done a lot of messed up things to people in the past and don’t understand how I am so blessed today. But I do know, I have done my best to make up for all the messed up things I have done. I’ve tried to maintain positive energy and a positive outlook on life and my future. When you are in the hood and surrounded by the hopelessness that lingers here, it’s challenging to keep your head up and your eyes open. When you’re surrounded by poverty and all that comes with it, it’s hard not to fall into that deep, dark hole.

What I can say is, I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately, reading self-help books, meditating, yoga and trying to stay in a positive space. In doing so, I’ve found that you are only a product of your circumstance, if you allow yourself to be. Never give up hope. Anything is possible. I’m not the most articulate but I know I’m smart. I’ve learned a lot from books but the streets taught me survival. I sure as hell ain’t soft but I can spread love ❤️. And for anyone else, feeling the way I felt, just know; The World is Yours. And don’t listen to anyone telling you something different.

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I agree. I’d rather give you money, than have body contact with you.

Looks like they’re made for each other

I came across these two pieces of art randomly within the last two weeks. I first encountered the drawing of the man, outside of a train station exit. I thought he was beautiful (imperfections & all,) and snapped a picture. A few days later, I came across a piece by Don Van Vliet (the artist formerly known as Captain Beefheart.) 

They connected in my mind. A man and a woman, smeared in each other’s direction. They just seemed like they were made for each other 🙌🏽. That is all.

Apology accepted.

In order for me to accept your apology, it has to include some variation of one of the following words: 

Sorry, Regret, Remorse, Apologize.

Faith is Beautiful 

IMG_1367IMG_1376I looked out of the window, onto a construction site and saw a man praying. I was so surprised, intrigued, proud and compelled. My first thought was, “why is this man kneeling on the dirty ground?” I then realized his shoes were off and he was praying. I became overwhelmed with emotion, noting that it was amazing to see the faith of a human being demonstrated in such a dedicated way. Amongst all the debris, he simply chose a spot to pray, and did so in the most eloquent way. It was beautiful. FAITH is beautiful, no matter the one you choose.

Pardon My Ignorance 

It has somehow become acceptable in society to be rude & immoral. It has some sort of an intriguing effect on people.

I was brought up to be kind and respectful to others. Watching humans treat each other unjust makes me angry and confused. Listening to the pointless arguments and bigotry is disappointing.

We need to do better because things are progressively getting worse.

Peace ☮️ & Love 💟

I Do My Dirt All By My Lonely 

Let me start by saying, I do not share my personal business with anyone. It’s nothing personal, it’s just I’ve learned from past experiences that sharing personal your personal business will get you judged, be held against you and/or make your personal business the topic of others conversation. All of these things have happened to me before and made me come to the conclusion that: I just don’t trust people!

That being said, people often have no idea what gripes I’m dealing with in my life. I am the type of person to let you unload all your mess on me and I just listen. I DO NOT repeat what I’m told so it all just accumulates inside of my chest and mind. Lately, I’ve been having a few people dump their mess on me and I’m feeling quite overwhelmed. I’m feeling like a huge pile of 💩. I listen to people’s drama and problems and talk with them about how to alleviate their issues but mine stay in the dark, under a cover in the back of my mind. Slowly, my anger and anxiety have grown and I think I’ve reached a point where I need to cut myself off from these people and handle my own issues. 

A part of me feels guilty for feeling this way.  Abandoning the people who depend on me as a listening ear and selfishly handling things for myself as they continue in their woes. I feel a sense of responsibility for other human beings and their well being. I’m not sure if that makes me a saint or a sucker.

I’ve noticed 

Some are overwhelmed by my energy 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m clearly not for everyone. And I’m okay with that.

The What House?!?

So, yesterday the United States of America announced that Donald Trump would be the 45th President. I was in shock because I thought his racist remarks (since the beginning of his campaign,) shady political connects outside of the US and most recently his sexist ways being brought to light; I never imagined that my country, that I am so proud to be a citizen, would elect a person with such behavior into the White House. Let me say, this election was a despicable. I was not happy with the choice of the candidates and so it started out bad! I figured along the way, their both liars on some level. A liar is a liar is a liar. I did think Hilary seemed more manipulative and discrete regarding her indiscretions. But at least she has a background in working in the US Government for YEARS. It’s like you interview two candidates for a position, you don’t like either but you have to pick one. Your best bet would be to pick the candidate that has experience and not the candidate who knows nothing about the business or how it’s run and has already violated multiple standards you have for the employees that are already employed!!!

To the people that didn’t vote, it is your civil duty to vote. (That is all)

I could say the election is BS and the President it chosen by a small group of people we don’t know about (who the hell knows.) But the 2016 Presidential Election will go down as one of the most shameful events I will have witnessed in my lifetime.

Like I said, I was in a complete shock when I read that Donald Trump would be our next president. But soon after I felt sad and defeated, I took a sedative and I realized that none of this is in my control and I have to let go of the anger and pain. I have to accept the outcome of the election and all I can do now is see what this man can do for our country or better yet, what can the people of this country do for our future.

Vanity

I’ve been going through something effecting me deeply lately and I wanted to share.Whenever I write my thoughts down and I’m in my feelings, I always feel like a weight has been lifted afterward.

I have no idea what changed in my body in July 2016 but it has resulted in me having a continuous breakout of hormonal acne. Let me say, I did suffer from acne as a teen and young adult but nothing this bad. My face has developed red bumps on my cheeks, jawline and most recently, my forehead. I went to a dermatologist for about 2 years before this and had visited her any time I had a skin issue. So of course, I made an appointment! [August 11]I see her, she gives me some creams and pills and tells me to use them and com back in a month (my skin is so bad, we discussed Accutane and I was registered by her, on that day.) I walk out of there with some sort of hope that when I come back next month, I’ll be given a strong medication to rid me of my “face demons.” My face got worse :/. I must confess, I’m a picker. There’s something satisfying about extracting whatever nasty stuff is in your skin.

Anyway (rolls eyes,) I go back to the Dr. [September 12] and she tells me my insurance won’t approve the medication just yet and I need to try another drug, not as strong, to see if it will resolve my issue. I broke down crying!!! I’m embarrassed to say it but I couldn’t hold it in, I felt like she was stealing all my hope in that moment. So, I sobbed and she was kind enough to make an appointment for me to go back next month and I walked out with my head hanging.

When I calmed down I thought to myself, “Why is this bothering me so much?! Why am I so vain?!” I am thankful for being alive and healthy another day but this huge insecurity is overshadowing that and clouding up my thoughts. It’s hard for me to appreciate the good cause the bad is pissing me off so much, I feel like I gotta handle that first. And I admire how smooth and clear everyone else’s skin is.Smh This stuff on my face has taken over my life. I don’t like to go out because I feel like people are staring at my face, people who do know me blatantly ask me “wtf is going on with your face?” and I literally have no idea what to say. I try not to wear makeup so my skin can breath and heal and I’m going into meetings/trainings for work, meeting new people with my face like this. This shit SUCKS!

A part of me feels guilty for being so vain. But this has definitely been a humbling experience. And once my skin is clear, I will never take it for granted. And I am going to stop picking, stop obsessing and stop worrying about these imperfections and start to recognize and embrace the traits I do like about myself.

I also feel disgusted with how much looks matter to me. I realize I’m still the same person now, I’ve always been and all this is, is a physical attribute I don’t appreciate lol.But it’s out of my control. All I’m saying is I need to start treating everyone equally, no matter what looks may perceive. I plan on being kind to everyone and staying positive because, as the NYC MTA reminds me,”Courtesy is contagious.”